Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
