Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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