i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
