i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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