Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
