He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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