hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
