I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize