I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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