Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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