I faked an abortion last night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He shit in the fireplace
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
