Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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