my being single is dangerous.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
