Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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