Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
