I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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