Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
