If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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