Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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