Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
