ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
