I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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