So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
