Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
