And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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