I think my vagina is haunted
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
