It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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