If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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