Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
