the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
