I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
