I haven't been this sober since birth.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
