I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Randomize
