you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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