my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
