hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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