Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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