Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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