What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
