I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
