I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's get the cat blown out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
