Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
