Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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