I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
