I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm passing your future prison.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
