why didn't you poke me back
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
