there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
