I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
even my farts smell like vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
