One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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