If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize