Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
