Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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