Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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