I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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