your thong is hanging out like whoa
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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