also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
