Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
