He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
