Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I know her cup size but not her name....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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