when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That accounts for only three of the penises
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize