I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
