CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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